Workouts thus far

So far, my workouts have been a fast-paced, keep-my-heart-rate-up-the-whole-time sorta deal. I usually start out with cardio (we tried jumping jacks and jogging in place one day, but it may have been what triggered the calf issues so now we've gone to the bike or elliptical). Then Peggy takes me through several 3-4 circuits of exercises that seek to engage all muscles - leg, core, arms - while focusing on one specific muscle. So... some of the exercises, and my "skill" level :

• 15 reps or so doing curls, lift up over your head, lift in front of you, tricep dips, etc., while in a squat position, with weights... I do pretty well with these, though the more tired I get, the more Peggy must encourage me to keep at it and finish the set.
• The rope. Ohhh man, the rope. Its this loooong heavy rope, looped up around one of the machines and with handles for each hand. You flap your arms in front of you, or swivel them round and round, or do a stirring motion, with the goal being to get the whole rope rippling. In a squat position... Wow, this is hard, and I can see how it never gets easier, because you're always trying to get bigger ripples out of the rope. I can barely make it through 30 seconds.
• Planks and "mountain climbers." So basically she starts me out in a boy pushup position, then has me walk my hands out in front of me a few inches, and then hold as long as I can. Between my general weakness (in both arms and core), and my hot sweaty hands, I can barely make it 15 seconds. After the 30 seconds in total, she has me do the mountain climbers, where I hold the position with my arms and core and bring my legs in one by one. I always want to turn my feet and hips out on these, but my knees are supposed to come to my chest. Sooo... I'm pretty bad at this whole thing
• Abs. Various crunches and situps. I'm not bad at these
  
• Step ups on the block - facing front, and sometimes straddling the block. Whoo. This is intense cardio. Gets my legs working, and my core, and I get a chance to work on not turning out my legs or feet (root of the calf trouble, perhaps?). By the end, I'm verrry out of breath

So after some combination of the above (and some more I've left off, I'm sure), she has me finish off with cardio, or peppers cardio throughout. After that, she stretches me out, sometimes focusing on my calf, and then I'm done.

I write all this to be a measuring stick for my progress. These things that are so difficult for me now, that Peggy has to encourage me to keep pushing through, like the planks and mountain climbers, the rope, the block, should only get easier. So remember, Brittany of the future, when you first started, you could only hold that plank for 15 seconds before collapsing into a quivering mess... think how far you've come!

Week 1: Complete!

So, one week under my belt, 51 to go (or, 1.9% complete!) :)

My co-worker KG, who put me on to Evo Fitness in the first place, told me that the 1st two weeks of my training would be the hardest. And week one has been hard in some ways and easy in others.

Hard:

• Going out to eat and not being able to order what I want while others eat whatever they like.
• After my Thursday workout last week, I started having real troubles with my right calf. It was short and tight, and no matter how I coaxed it and stretched it, it would recoil as soon as I stopped working on it. Very painful and scary, because I was worried I might have injured it.
  
• Pushing through difficult exercises with Peggy (the giant rope - ack!)
• The pinch of time and money from my workouts.
  

Easy:

• Once I've ordered something other than what I crave, enjoying what I have to eat.
• Learned how to cope with minor injuries - ice, heat, advil. Working it out at the gym.
  
• Feeling a good kind of sore, a earned-it kind of tired, and the endorphins from exercise.
• Starting to see results - feeling thinner, more energetic, weight lost.

I've been eating well so far. No fried foods, fewer carbs, a lot of salads with balsamic vinaigrette, chicken, fresh fruits, veggies and lean cuisines. Today I had my first smoothie and I currently have tons of energy from it. I've been drinking waaaay more water and waaaaay less diet coke (I haven't had one since the day before yesterday, and just a few sips at lunch, for that matter). I am a little worried about the options that will be available for me when I'm in Orlando this weekend, and how I will deal with my desire to eat more than I should.

There are foods I crave (french fries, carbs, steak, fried anything!), but I crave my goals more than those foods. I crave to be slim, fit, healthy, beautiful. I crave self control and discipline. I crave faster results. I know that I can indulge every so often (rarely!), but I do not have to do that to be happy. My reward, comfort, acceptance does not come from eating or drinking anything.

So according to Peggy, I cheated, but I'll post it anyway - I've lost at least 4 lbs since last week! She says I cheated because I got on the scales at home, instead of waiting until August 19 for my next weigh in and measurement. So, that's the last you'll hear of that until mid-August, but its encouraging nonetheless.

Thanks to all my precious friends who are encouraging me along the way. Ashley told me today that I already looked healthier in my face and that she likes this new Brittany... these sorts of comments mean the world to me, and I could not be doing this without the support of all you guys. If you're reading this, first off, you're a trooper, and second, thanks for being one of my best friends - b/c this blog isn't for just anyone. Love you guys!

to the Brittany of July 2011

Brittany,

You have just finished a year of hard work, and have whipped yourself into shape. You have dramatically changed the way you think about the foods you eat, your fitness level, and your figure. Congratulations!

Now, as a word from me, your past self, to you... don't you DARE let yourself get back into the same position again. Take it from a woman dealing with constant soreness, feeble strength, & low cardio-endurance, you DO NOT want to have to "get back in shape" again. The pain, the mental fortitude to force yourself beyond what your body thinks is possible, the drastic steps you must take (e.g. hiring an expensive trainer)... don't let yourself down!

You remember how we got ourselves into this in the first place. Thinking that eating fast food all the time was not going to have an impact, eating and drinking whatever you wanted, thinking "it was okay last time, it'll be okay again... and again...", putting off working out because you had other things to do, or were just plain lazy... Remember? These are the things you cannot do again!

Instead, keep thinking of food as fuel and (occasionally, an) indulgence, not as your gluttonous right. Make working out a priority, and don't be easy on yourself, push yourself beyond your limits, as you know you are capable of doing. Don't ever think yourself fat (because you can always be fatter), and give up. When you know you've eaten bad, make up for it for a while by eating good or working out more.

Brittany, you can do this. Maintain carefully what you've paid dearly to obtain. Look back at me and remember why this lifestyle must continue.

Love,
the Brittany of 2010.

Rebellion

Day 1

How fickle can I be? I had my first workout (an introductory one, at that), had my butt handed to me, and as soon as it started getting difficult (feel the burn!), I had to work hard at remembering my motivation. Instead of pushing through the pain, it was all I could do to continue.

How at odds can my mind and body be? I am fully committed in my mind, but conquering my out-of-shape body, weak cardiovascular endurance, and quivering muscles is more difficult than I remembered. Not only was my first mini-workout very difficult, my body completed its rebellion when I made it home and threw up what was left of my lunch from "the truck."

As for food... I have listed my meals for today below. My trainer, Peggy, approved of my breakfast and the wrap I had for lunch (pleasant going down but not on the way up... yuk!), but not the french fries. She suggested a salad for dinner, and adding small snacks of fruit (perhaps carrots instead?) or an energy bar in between breakfast and lunch, and between lunch and dinner. I also want to start taking my lunch to work more often (to save money and lose the temptation), but I will have to go to the grocery store before I start changing things up too much.

I'm also not sure that I will make as drastic a change, food-wise, as Peggy suggests. My plan thus far has been to cut out fast food (at least as I define it - the stuff I like to eat at fast food restaurants), drink more water and less diet coke, take my lunch to work almost habitually, and when eating out, order what I'd like, but cut down portions. It think making these changes while having my hard workouts will make quite the difference.

On the other hand, I want to fully commit to this, and following Peggy's stricter instructions will most definitely have me whipped into shape more quickly. If I'm going to pay this much money, I will not ruin it by eating (and paying more money to eat) things that will act against me. Not to mention, give me more energy / less desire to throw up during my workouts. So I will likely try a hybrid approach, indulging in what I want to eat only on occasion, and being careful every other time (especially when I've already had or am planning an indulgence).

the Food

Breakfast - boiled egg white, mini-bagel, grapes.

Lunch - grilled chicken wrap from "the truck," french fries

Dinner - Sesame Chicken lean cuisine

Diet Cokes = 2

Waters = 4.5

the Stats (don't judge, it's only getting better from here!)
Weight: 204
Tri: 30
Abdomen: 29
Thigh: 27
Arm: 11.5
Waist: 39
Torso: 33
Hips:45

3 Minute Step Test (Heart Rate): 150 bpm (Very Poor)
Pushups: 13 (Average)
Situps: 41 (Excellent)

Goals

Size 6-8.
135 lbs?
Run a 5K.
Thighs not rubbing together.
Upright posture.
Firm abs.
Control over food.
Post-training workout plan.
Look good in cute clothes, swim suits, pictures.

Motivation

When you came in the air went out.
Hollywood getting thin or in shape for the part.
Looking awesome and meeting a wonderful northerner at Meg's wedding.
Not being a fat American on our vacation.
Not feeling strangled in my winter clothes.
Feeling happy to dress up again.
Playing confidently on the beach.
The feel of someone's hands on my waist.
Slim arms hanging by my sides.

I'm ready

I'm ready to have the confidence of knowing that I look beautiful.

I'm ready for the hard fatigue, soreness, and thrill of knowing that I've worked hard and deserve to rest.

I'm ready to commit to a long term goal, and I'm ready to see results from my effort.

I'm ready to fit into clothes I try on - or better yet, clothes I already own!

I'm ready to look down at myself and feel pride instead of shame.

I'm ready for the respect - from myself and others - for tackling a challenging goal with single-minded attention, and for achieving the 'impossible.'

I'm ready to be fit enough to run a couple miles to keep in shape, to lift things, to go on a walk or up the stairs without being sweaty and winded.

I'm ready to have a healthy relationship with food as fuel and indulgence, rather than as therapy or entertainment.

I'm ready to look at other beautiful women and know that I compare.

I know that what I'm getting myself into is a long-term commitment with a high maintenance, abusive, love-hate inducing hobby. I know there will be days that I will dread going to train, that I'll have things I'd rather do, that once I'm there I'll feel no energy or that what I'm asked to do is impossible. I will push through, giving as much as I can in each workout, knowing that the rewards will be great - inches, pounds, compliments, admiration.

I know that I will want to eat more than I should. I know that I will rationalize and say that "once is ok" or "it was ok the last time." I know that I will crave and want to binge, but I will stay self-controlled. I know that I will think "what is life when I'm always denying myself" and I will remember that being who I want to be, looking how I want to look, requires effort, sacrifice, discipline. I will not eat "fast food" aside from the rarest of occasions, I will eat like a "normal person" at other restaurants, I will hold back on drinking alcohol, and I will drink more water.

I will remember my goals, and the role that is waiting for me at the end of this journey - a fit, trim woman of whom I can be proud and on whom people will look with admiration. On the contrary, if I fail, if I give up, if I am easy on myself, I will have wasted a tremendous amount of time, money, and will have broadcasted my goals so that everyone will know my failure. I will not give up, I will be strong, and will get the part that is cast for me.

I'm tired

I'm tired of making excuses for myself - for why I eat the way I do, or think about myself, or don't exercise. Adults become who they want to be, and I am the way I am because of my own choices.
I'm tired of thinking of food as a comfort or as a reward when both of those things should come from outside this world.
I'm tired of the way I perceive myself not matching how the world perceives me.
I'm tired of being lazy as a "reward" for earlier laziness - I need to earn that reward.
I'm tired of putting off going to do the doctor, knowing that I am in for a dressing down.
... And the nagging dread that I'm in for health problems in my future.
... And the aching joints tired of bearing more weight than they ought.
I'm tired of thinking that "one day" I'll look the way I want, be fit and able to do the things I want, be attractive to who I desire, and I'm tired of not making steps each day toward my "one day."
I'm tired of looking at myself in pictures and wondering who that fat girl is.
I'm tired of moving past wonderful, attractive men, knowing that someone who takes good care of themselves would have no need for a fat, lazy person so unlike themselves.
I'm tired of being winded, or sweaty, or exhausted, or sore from the least bit of physical activity.
I'm tired of my self confidence wasting away day after day.
I'm tired of settling for men that must be "nice" since they don't have much else going for them.
I'm tired of eating the same things over and over, although their taste is at times even unappealing, because I'm bored, or can't think of something else.
I'm tired of thinking that if I eat bad, I might as well eat real bad... every calorie counts!
I'm tired of the addiction pulling me into its gravity.
I'm tired of my damn thighs rubbing together.
... Of not trying on clothes because I already know they won't fit.
... Of sitting uncomfortably because my body won't conform to the position I'm in, or the clothes I'm wearing.
I'm tired of thinking ahead to the future (next summer, next winter, next vacation) and thinking something will be different... and then not getting to that point.
I'm tired of not accomplishing anything with my life, of wasting my breath, of allowing myself to be constrained and dampened by my "comfort" or "laziness" or lack of confidence... this life is not my own, and every day, every breath, every calorie counts!

I will not remain this way, but I will be renewed, I will be energized. I will stop my cycle of laziness and replace it with self discipline and control. I will choose to eat foods that will give me energy and bring me closer to my goals (while indulging the one-off treat). I will reward myself in healthy ways and realize that self control is a virtue. I will work my ass off and commit fully to my workouts; getting in shape takes work and it is a full time job. I will pursue my goals with commitment and focus and will transform myself into the person I want to be - not "one day," but this day. I will pursue my dreams, push through the pain, beat my body, achieve something, make the most of each meal, each day, each moment, because every calorie that my body burns does count.