I'm tired

I'm tired of making excuses for myself - for why I eat the way I do, or think about myself, or don't exercise. Adults become who they want to be, and I am the way I am because of my own choices.
I'm tired of thinking of food as a comfort or as a reward when both of those things should come from outside this world.
I'm tired of the way I perceive myself not matching how the world perceives me.
I'm tired of being lazy as a "reward" for earlier laziness - I need to earn that reward.
I'm tired of putting off going to do the doctor, knowing that I am in for a dressing down.
... And the nagging dread that I'm in for health problems in my future.
... And the aching joints tired of bearing more weight than they ought.
I'm tired of thinking that "one day" I'll look the way I want, be fit and able to do the things I want, be attractive to who I desire, and I'm tired of not making steps each day toward my "one day."
I'm tired of looking at myself in pictures and wondering who that fat girl is.
I'm tired of moving past wonderful, attractive men, knowing that someone who takes good care of themselves would have no need for a fat, lazy person so unlike themselves.
I'm tired of being winded, or sweaty, or exhausted, or sore from the least bit of physical activity.
I'm tired of my self confidence wasting away day after day.
I'm tired of settling for men that must be "nice" since they don't have much else going for them.
I'm tired of eating the same things over and over, although their taste is at times even unappealing, because I'm bored, or can't think of something else.
I'm tired of thinking that if I eat bad, I might as well eat real bad... every calorie counts!
I'm tired of the addiction pulling me into its gravity.
I'm tired of my damn thighs rubbing together.
... Of not trying on clothes because I already know they won't fit.
... Of sitting uncomfortably because my body won't conform to the position I'm in, or the clothes I'm wearing.
I'm tired of thinking ahead to the future (next summer, next winter, next vacation) and thinking something will be different... and then not getting to that point.
I'm tired of not accomplishing anything with my life, of wasting my breath, of allowing myself to be constrained and dampened by my "comfort" or "laziness" or lack of confidence... this life is not my own, and every day, every breath, every calorie counts!

I will not remain this way, but I will be renewed, I will be energized. I will stop my cycle of laziness and replace it with self discipline and control. I will choose to eat foods that will give me energy and bring me closer to my goals (while indulging the one-off treat). I will reward myself in healthy ways and realize that self control is a virtue. I will work my ass off and commit fully to my workouts; getting in shape takes work and it is a full time job. I will pursue my goals with commitment and focus and will transform myself into the person I want to be - not "one day," but this day. I will pursue my dreams, push through the pain, beat my body, achieve something, make the most of each meal, each day, each moment, because every calorie that my body burns does count.